Pan (they/them)
My name is Pan, I’m genderfluid, and as of writing this I've been out for roughly a year. I have however been questioning my gender for roughly nine years. In fact I have come to the conclusion that I am not a girl at least four times in my life, and then immediately forgotten. It took until last november for anything to stick. Once it did, I again was only certain that I wasn't a girl, so I assumed gender neutral as my identity and kept it completely secret. Years of internalized transphobia had me believing that coming out would make me a misogynist.
Over winter break that year my family traveled to visit my grandmother. Strangers constantly ‘mistook’ me for a boy, referred to me as my sister's brother, and a he. I weirdly liked it, and riding on that boost of confidence, came out to my sister. In february I began the long process of coming out to my parents, friends, random acquaintances, and everyone else. It took six months.
At first I told everyone that they could still use she/her pronouns for me and call me by my deadname, I was two scared of being a burden to stick up for myself. When I did change my name, I didnt change it to the one I wanted to go by, I changed it to something parents liked, and then after that to another compromise. I went from a name that caused dysphoria, to a name that was only a relief, to one that made me comfortable but not happy.
It’s taken until just around a month ago for me to finally find a name that I feel fits me, and makes me happy. I love the name Pan but it's taken me a year of being out to find it, and a whole ton of courage. I had to keep on pushing my way through these barriers that said you're supposed to know who you are faster, that things were supposed to be more simple, that I was already forcing people I knew to get used to too much, that I should just be grateful that they accepted me. But none of those things are true. You are allowed to ask for more than just acceptance, you're allowed to ask for comfort, and you're allowed to ask for happiness. Refusing to hide who you are for the comfort of others is not selfishness, its bravery.